When was the last time you were happy?
I am guessing for most of you, this is an easy question to answer. And the answer is recently.
When I was asked this question a year ago, my mind went blank. It wasn’t that there weren’t good moments in my life, even great ones, and certainly worth being happy about. But deep down, there was always this pit of despair that would overshadow every moment.
Whatever needed doing seemed to require massive effort. My energy quickly drained and often I uttered “I’m exhausted” after a long day. This phrase my family still teases me about. After a major heart attack in 2023, sheer willpower was no longer enough to push through the same workload.
One of my classic depression habits? Staying up late. Nighttime was quiet. No pressure, no expectations. Even my anxiety-induced thoughts had turned in for the night. Finally…peace.
At a routine doctor’s visit, I shared my frustration with what little relief I was getting from my depression and anxiety medications. Almost without thinking, I said I was interested in something holistic. I wasn’t sure why I said that—or if I even used the word properly.
Fast forward: I started TMS therapy—Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.
TMS is a noninvasive treatment that uses magnetic pulses to stimulate areas of the brain involved in mood regulation. Basically, I thought of it as waking up parts of my brain that depression had put to sleep. As high tech and magical as this sounds, TMS was approved by the FDA back in 2008.
For insurance to cover it, I had to show a history of trying multiple things without success. I wish everything in life was this easy.
For 36 sessions, every day, Monday through Friday, I wore a helmet like the one in this brochure.
In order to adjust the machine to the right intensity, I would open and close my hands as I felt the pulse in the helmet. Based on my responses, they would know when they were hitting the right spot. Every time I was also asked five questions that accounted for my sensitivity.
- How did you sleep last night?
- Have you had a meal in the last 24 hours?
- Have you had any caffeine in the last 24 hours?
- Have you had any nicotine in the last 24 hours?
- Have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?
If the fit was off, it felt like a stapler stabbing my head or my right eye would twitch involuntarily. With the best fit it felt more like a nice solid jackhammer. The question was always the same: Is this tolerable?
Each session was under 30 minutes and we spent the time doing various activities around gratitude, memory, and goal setting. Early on, I needed Tylenol after some sessions but soon adapted as we worked up to the ideal intensity level.
I saw changes almost immediately. I failed an accounting exam where I got more than half the questions wrong. But instead of spiraling for days, I was frustrated… and still happy. Is this what it’s like for normal people? Your entire value as a person isn’t in question after every minor life failure.
Historically, I wouldn’t get excited about something before it happened—because that felt like inviting disappointment. But, from TMS therapy and a big life event about to happen, that was all about to change.
I turned 50 this past January, and last month, I became a grandpa. My oldest daughter who was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at 18 months, was giving birth after a high-risk pregnancy and 29 hours of labor that ended in a C-section. Complications were real, the concerns were justified—but for once, it didn’t steal the moment. That familiar pit of despair, my long-time companion, was nowhere to be found nor was he missed.
There was a moment in the waiting area where it was just her mom and me. We’ve been divorced 13 years. A lot has happened in that space. But in that moment, we were just two excited and nervous parents waiting for our first grandchild. And for once, I wasn’t just in the moment—I was happily in it.
TMS therapy has changed my life. Now that I have a foundation to build on, I have found three things that have helped me continue on this journey.
- Keeping a Gratitude Journal – for me, it’s critical to document where I see God’s hand in my life and documenting what I have to be grateful for. There’s a quote I love that says “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I have decided to choose the latter.
- Affirmations – a couple of affirmations I love are “I am somebody” which I got from an NFL commercial. Another one is “I trust myself to make the right decisions and take inspired action.” Decades of negative self-talk are slowly being replaced with more positive thoughts and beliefs.
- Awareness – I am trying to be more aware of what I say and think. I am not my thoughts which at a conscious level I am becoming a believer. However, my subconscious believes everything it hears and I need to be better at realizing some of the untruths I tell it.
I still have my struggles, and like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon, I sometimes worry that this better life is only temporary.
In the book, Charlie undergoes an experimental procedure that dramatically changes his life, only to discover that the effects won’t last. That part of his story hits differently for me now. Somewhere in the back of my mind is the fear that what I’ve gained could disappear.
For the first time, I feel hope. Chances are, you know someone who struggles with chronic depression. Maybe you struggle with it yourself. Maybe TMS isn’t the solution for everyone but that’s not my point. Don’t give up on your mental health journey. Celebrate the small wins and remain hopeful. And if you’ve ever felt stuck in that same pit of despair, I want you to know—there is a way forward.
This is my personal experience with TMS therapy, not medical advice. Treatment experiences and results vary. Talk with a qualified healthcare professional about what’s appropriate for you.